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November 2008
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Today was such a bore. Left school early for weird reasons. Have you heard of itching palm which turn super red after scratching vigorously, but there were no scars found. Weird huh... Pity... I wish whatever i scratch won't leave any scars. Hmmm.Was scratching like some monkey. Couldn't even stop. ! I can't believe i had to see the doctor because of that. Haiz... Had to eat pills that will stop the itch. Hope i still can eat what i like and my feet and palm won't Itch any more. Please pray...



My mood is swinging again. I really have no idea why, just able to change mood rather drastically. I am really very sorry about that. Scold me if you want, I don't hold grudges neither would I push you aside. I just say mean when my mood is really bad, don't really mean it. My temper is also subjected to my mood. May be my head isn't working well, its been blank for quite some time except the things that will never leave. Find no reason in my doing, nothing went wrong. I guess its just me. The way i think is starting to be like only scratching the surface, with no deep thinking. Something is wrong again!!



It has been two weeks plus and finally one post. Oops. I'm really a pig. Mid -year exams are around the corner and i really wonder will i do. I guess at the rate I am going, I'm doomed ARGH!! I think I should start mugging, copy notes and practising. Plus i have this ongoing project, i really wonder how to cope. Frankly speaking, This whole year my quiet time with God is very little. Simply i just neglected Him for very long. On the outside, i go for prayer meetings, Sunday school and youth. But the only time i felt that He was there was when i will cry when i listen to His words. His words haven't been speaking to me, may be i closed my heart and shut the doors of my mind. I really wish it will be more often that i can feel his presence, closely walking with Him. Holding His hand, with nothing to fear about anything. But i will live in fear of Him. I really want to obey Him, knowing how hard is it to leave the world behind and follow Him. I guess I am really weak, the things that i think that i can do will always end up in a disaster. Even with the help of people, it may not go the way that i wanted it to. Now I can only say my source of strength is Him. But i am that dumb not to depend on Him, thinking that i can do well on my own. I do not want to learn things the hard way, but if that is his plan for me i guess i will have to be broken down in order to serve Him better.



Please pray and have faith that He will answer. That the most powerful thing is prayer. If your faith is as a mustard seed, you say to this mountain,' Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you. Matthew17:20





My God is enough♥

I'm able to concentrate more on my work now, having more time to just stone at home may be the main cause. Having time on your hand is rather a good thing though. Knowing that you don't have to rush for things, but time passes rather slow that you feel like just sleeping it off. Time on the phone has been shortened for some reason. I guess its better this way, at least I can sleep early every night. The thing is, I'll just stare into space until my mind start to wander into wonderland. More time to think and daydream, more time to do revision. Did i mention that I have not studied for the mid-years? Seriously i feel like I'm really going to flunk every paper. For some reason I also don't feel anything. The stress is there but I guess, to me it just doesn't matter....



Till now, I am still able put it down, leaving it as it is. I can be angry at one point, but after awhile i find no reason to be angry in the first place. Still able to apologize repeatedly until i don't remember whose fault was it. Is it a good thing? Then again, i could just stomp off just like that and don't talk to you anymore. I won't even mention it to anyone. I guess my analogy of me being an open book turned out to be nothing at all. May be emotions are not everything that determines things. If i would just leave things like that, the sky will never brightened ever again, clouds turned grey by the day. Everything would seem so dull ,so translucent that if you go near and reach for it, it will only be....











My God is enough♥

Everything that happen recently have been rather mundane. In the sense that there isn't really much to talk about. Its kind the reason why i haven't been updating much recently. Usually i post about stuff only when i find that there's something to say. Something that may be a milestone in my life, or maybe a step closer to walking with God. I guess sometimes the reason of posting is that I don't want my blog to be somewhere in the Internet full of information, collecting dust.



The things that I do in the past that i find no purpose in continuing, the thought of it really make me wonder why is it that i give up on things so easily. Simply saying that i really have no perseverance to do things at all, being irresponsible doing things halfway. I have never thought of it this way. I use to think that if i continue in doing, there's really no point. For example my cca, i kind of gave up on shooting. Finding no purpose in just standing there for more than an hour not moving but just shooting on this pathetic target cards with pellets. Like if you see it this way, i can guarantee you, sooner or later you would think it is absolutely boring. That is what happened to me. I kind of did that and got away with it and the excuse being I play frisbee outside school and I am participating in competition. But i wasn't all a lie, i really did play frisbee and i have participated in competitions but the main reason is that i don't want to carry on shooting anymore.

I prefer throwing and catching frisbees rather than standing in an air-conditioning room shooting some card. I could not find any purpose for God putting me there. I wasn't really good at it, i can't do anything that will glorify the Lord and its just plain boring. You can say that i sort of betrayed my team leaving them there to train with a member of the team missing. At that time i really couldn't care less. Now I have come to realise i can do much more just by standing there looking at the card, carefully adjusting myself to aim for a bull's eye. There is more to it, you really need to learn calm yourself down and being cautious about how your body sway from front to back having to balance yourself.



There is really a lot of things that i find no reason in doing them. I just want to stay at home and do nothing. And i can do that for years if i want to. But now i have finally come to realise that I am not living for myself. And that there is a purpose for everything, although with my limited knowledge i can not find any, but there is a much bigger picture that i could not see. That i should not be the one that is controlling my life but it is He that knows whats best for me. Taking care of everything, being right beside me. And greater is He in me than he that is out in the world, having me not to be afraid that I'm all alone. He is my reason to live.



Really felt God's presence today. That i could feel that He is really right there in our midst. At times, i still have my doubts that He really exists. When times are hard with all the hectic schedules, it is hard to calm yourself down and listen to His soft still voice. Maybe that's why I doubt that He is there. It is just that I could not hear and feel His presence, but definitely He is there. I know it.

I have finally found peace in Him.







My God is enough♥