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Pamela =)11 January
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Tuesday, December 14, 2010 8:17 PM
Oh wow! It is really dead! hahaha
The last post seems to be more than a year ago 0.0 Hm....
Dont really have an audience anyway. I guess I'll just write when I like and what I like. Maybe its just for me. One BIG thing i realised is that holidays make me dumb><>
The List!
1. Paint my room!
This has been on my mind for ages! Like really! I am not kidding! However, the state that my room seems to be worse. Floor un-swept, bed covers not changed and clothes everywhere. I guess the first step to actually want to paint my room is to pack it. Maybe I'll do it after Im done typing this post.^^
2. BAKE
I love the thought of having ingredients like flour and sugar in big glass jars like the ones that look like cookie jars=) Like how cool will that be when you see a shelf of glass jars! Perhaps I should also get a whole range of measuering cup and spoons. Not to mention books and books of receipe. The very thing that is missing, is an oven.><
My God is enough♥
Friday, September 25, 2009 12:08 PM
Maybe not
Seems like it has really been very long since i wrote anything. For some reason, i find a need to write about things here. It kinda release all the tension inside of me. Talk about all the tension, it is so much more than i could imagine having.><
Haiz.. Must it matter to me so much? Why can't i go through all of it like its nothing much. And the reson why seems to be always revolving around the same thing. I guess its just me.
Looking back at all the things, I realise that I have really changed. I'm not as cheerful and optismitic as before. Maybe that's why i have been keeping things to myself all this while. The door between me and the ouside world seem to be closed. Not that nothing of the world worries me, but whatever that concerns me never got out of that door. Even i myself dont know what I am thinking.
Am i trying hard enough? Or all this while it shouldn't be this way at all? Will I ever get an answer for these questions?
Wednesday, June 17, 2009 12:27 AM
Looks like i almost forgotten that i have blog. Life is starting to slow down. Kind of what i always hoped. Everything use to just pass by so quickly, no time to reflect or even to think what to do next. Tried many ways to learn how to slow it down. Like sitting down and quieten down but i always fail and end up watching television. I constantly ask myself what is the reason in doing this. Have I forget who am I suppose to live for? All this while I'm on the centre stage. If i decide to do this or not, first come to mind is whether it benefit me, whether it makes me happy. What happen to whether it is right or wrong? For months, I am living for myself. Just a sunday christian as what other people call it. Things that involves God will have to wait till its sunday. But that entire day I don't concentrate on Him. Maybe that is the problem all this while. I am neglecting God. Even when i do my quiet time or listen during sunday school, I don't feel God speaking to me at all. I presume that I really forgot how much He loved me, how much He was willing to pay just to save me even though I'm not worthy. He was by my side all this while.
Saturday, May 23, 2009 7:40 AM
i'm confused
WOW!!!! My blog is like seriously dead, and people are bugging to update. Guess I've been really busy with studies. Then again, I didn't really study. Yes I do have the books and notes in front of me but I just can't understand a thing of what's on the paper. For some reason I still assume that I'm dumb and gave up halfway. The thing is I don't run off and do something like on-ing the computer or watch television. Guess what will i end up doing... STONEI really can't understand why, but that's just it. Every time i take out something to revise on, i would just stare at the paper, and my mind is blank. Its like your eyes are looking at things, but your mind can't process it so you'll just see BLANK.
Today
Frisbee training started this morning. Even my knees aren't at all fit to run but i kind of have no choice. It still hurt even when I'm walking. So whats the difference if i run. Anyway maybe in future I'm not able to do what i love most. Haiz..
I really don't know what I'm doing now. And now my mood is kind of becoming more extreme. In a way like when something is making me sad, i don't feel it. I just know that I'm suppose to be sad and I'll just behave like I'm sad. But in actual fact I don't feel anything inside. It is like action with no thought at all. Now I feel like I'm some programmed robot.
This morning wasn't a very pleasant one. Maybe I'm just not a nice person at all. Things do get the better of me.
Furthermore, I am going through everyday depending on my own strength. There I go again! It really annoys me and i can't stop doing it. It is like something i do unknowingly. Haven't been reading the bible for quite a long while. Can't have any excuses to say that I'm busy or what so ever. I always forget, like why isn't it bothering me that I'm not reading the bible and doing quiet time!!! I just guess that I am really weak. REALLY REALLY WEAK!
I'm so limited. Having a boundary of everything that I'm able to overcome, and yet i still depend on myself. STUPID ME!! Isn't it easier to reply on someone stronger who have control over all things?
I guess the thing that i wrote above is just scolding myself.
FOOD
Tomorrow is Vivian's birthday. Happy Birthday to you!!!
Celebrated her birthday today at the BREEKS. The food that they serve is really nice. It has been a while since i ate nice western food. I had something like baked rice with chicken cutlets and curry. Weird combination huh... But it taste GOOD... The lasagne's is like even better then the one at pizza's hut.(of all the lasagne's i ate like from 3 places i prefer pizza's hut). Vivian had salmon on hot plate. For once i did not eat salmon that is over cooked. So happy! I sort of realised that Wilson have lame jokes up his sleeves. Haha
Timothy, Petra and Daniel were there too. But I can't remember what they ate. Oops. XD
Now this part of the day is nice and funny. Haha
B! There's many reason why i would actually not talk to you straight after training ended. I was really tired, didn't have much sleep. Kind of waited for you to call the whole night yesterday. kind of decided to go online to see whether you're there. hesitated for awhile and finally nudged you. after asking what you're doing, the whole conversation was practically about your friend. Yes, she needs comforting but will a little msg saying you're not going to call ,hurt? and guess what, you only msg me after midnight. never once when you're talking me, you're that awake until so late. even at times my brother could tell how sad i was yet you didn't say a word. don't you care anymore? even worse when you heard how i replied you, you couldn't even tell. my eyes were so puffy that you couldn't even tell that i cried. i even told you didn't sleep till its 2.30. i guess thats the result of being jealous. maybe i shouldnt care about such stuff anymore
My God is enough♥
Tuesday, April 21, 2009 5:58 AM
Today was such a bore. Left school early for weird reasons. Have you heard of itching palm which turn super red after scratching vigorously, but there were no scars found. Weird huh... Pity... I wish whatever i scratch won't leave any scars. Hmmm.Was scratching like some monkey. Couldn't even stop. ! I can't believe i had to see the doctor because of that. Haiz... Had to eat pills that will stop the itch. Hope i still can eat what i like and my feet and palm won't Itch any more. Please pray...My mood is swinging again. I really have no idea why, just able to change mood rather drastically. I am really very sorry about that. Scold me if you want, I don't hold grudges neither would I push you aside. I just say mean when my mood is really bad, don't really mean it. My temper is also subjected to my mood. May be my head isn't working well, its been blank for quite some time except the things that will never leave. Find no reason in my doing, nothing went wrong. I guess its just me. The way i think is starting to be like only scratching the surface, with no deep thinking. Something is wrong again!!
It has been two weeks plus and finally one post. Oops. I'm really a pig. Mid -year exams are around the corner and i really wonder will i do. I guess at the rate I am going, I'm doomed ARGH!! I think I should start mugging, copy notes and practising. Plus i have this ongoing project, i really wonder how to cope. Frankly speaking, This whole year my quiet time with God is very little. Simply i just neglected Him for very long. On the outside, i go for prayer meetings, Sunday school and youth. But the only time i felt that He was there was when i will cry when i listen to His words. His words haven't been speaking to me, may be i closed my heart and shut the doors of my mind. I really wish it will be more often that i can feel his presence, closely walking with Him. Holding His hand, with nothing to fear about anything. But i will live in fear of Him. I really want to obey Him, knowing how hard is it to leave the world behind and follow Him. I guess I am really weak, the things that i think that i can do will always end up in a disaster. Even with the help of people, it may not go the way that i wanted it to. Now I can only say my source of strength is Him. But i am that dumb not to depend on Him, thinking that i can do well on my own. I do not want to learn things the hard way, but if that is his plan for me i guess i will have to be broken down in order to serve Him better.
Please pray and have faith that He will answer. That the most powerful thing is prayer. If your faith is as a mustard seed, you say to this mountain,' Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you. Matthew17:20
My God is enough♥
Wednesday, April 8, 2009 8:41 AM
I don't know
I'm able to concentrate more on my work now, having more time to just stone at home may be the main cause. Having time on your hand is rather a good thing though. Knowing that you don't have to rush for things, but time passes rather slow that you feel like just sleeping it off. Time on the phone has been shortened for some reason. I guess its better this way, at least I can sleep early every night. The thing is, I'll just stare into space until my mind start to wander into wonderland. More time to think and daydream, more time to do revision. Did i mention that I have not studied for the mid-years? Seriously i feel like I'm really going to flunk every paper. For some reason I also don't feel anything. The stress is there but I guess, to me it just doesn't matter....Till now, I am still able put it down, leaving it as it is. I can be angry at one point, but after awhile i find no reason to be angry in the first place. Still able to apologize repeatedly until i don't remember whose fault was it. Is it a good thing? Then again, i could just stomp off just like that and don't talk to you anymore. I won't even mention it to anyone. I guess my analogy of me being an open book turned out to be nothing at all. May be emotions are not everything that determines things. If i would just leave things like that, the sky will never brightened ever again, clouds turned grey by the day. Everything would seem so dull ,so translucent that if you go near and reach for it, it will only be....
My God is enough♥
Saturday, April 4, 2009 5:20 AM
i found the reason
Everything that happen recently have been rather mundane. In the sense that there isn't really much to talk about. Its kind the reason why i haven't been updating much recently. Usually i post about stuff only when i find that there's something to say. Something that may be a milestone in my life, or maybe a step closer to walking with God. I guess sometimes the reason of posting is that I don't want my blog to be somewhere in the Internet full of information, collecting dust. The things that I do in the past that i find no purpose in continuing, the thought of it really make me wonder why is it that i give up on things so easily. Simply saying that i really have no perseverance to do things at all, being irresponsible doing things halfway. I have never thought of it this way. I use to think that if i continue in doing, there's really no point. For example my cca, i kind of gave up on shooting. Finding no purpose in just standing there for more than an hour not moving but just shooting on this pathetic target cards with pellets. Like if you see it this way, i can guarantee you, sooner or later you would think it is absolutely boring. That is what happened to me. I kind of did that and got away with it and the excuse being I play frisbee outside school and I am participating in competition. But i wasn't all a lie, i really did play frisbee and i have participated in competitions but the main reason is that i don't want to carry on shooting anymore.
I prefer throwing and catching frisbees rather than standing in an air-conditioning room shooting some card. I could not find any purpose for God putting me there. I wasn't really good at it, i can't do anything that will glorify the Lord and its just plain boring. You can say that i sort of betrayed my team leaving them there to train with a member of the team missing. At that time i really couldn't care less. Now I have come to realise i can do much more just by standing there looking at the card, carefully adjusting myself to aim for a bull's eye. There is more to it, you really need to learn calm yourself down and being cautious about how your body sway from front to back having to balance yourself.
There is really a lot of things that i find no reason in doing them. I just want to stay at home and do nothing. And i can do that for years if i want to. But now i have finally come to realise that I am not living for myself. And that there is a purpose for everything, although with my limited knowledge i can not find any, but there is a much bigger picture that i could not see. That i should not be the one that is controlling my life but it is He that knows whats best for me. Taking care of everything, being right beside me. And greater is He in me than he that is out in the world, having me not to be afraid that I'm all alone. He is my reason to live.
Really felt God's presence today. That i could feel that He is really right there in our midst. At times, i still have my doubts that He really exists. When times are hard with all the hectic schedules, it is hard to calm yourself down and listen to His soft still voice. Maybe that's why I doubt that He is there. It is just that I could not hear and feel His presence, but definitely He is there. I know it.
I have finally found peace in Him.
My God is enough♥